i started introducing myself as leti

because of the number of syllables,

even though i am afraid it might sound

like i’m in a hurry to make friends.

i felt tall until i was called short twice in the same week by different people.

i like to think of myself as recklessly rebellious, but i mostly take calculated risks.

I’m friends with my inner critic and on rare occasions

we laugh at how real impostor syndrome feels.

i am a hypochondriac.

i do not know the middle way in anything,

it’s everything or nothing.

i am not afraid of nothingness,

and i am not afraid of dying,

but i am really afraid of not living.

 what can i say now all grown up when others are doctors or people who seem normal in the head who have pockets where they keep their bus pass and get meal tickets and they go home every evening to eat dinner with their families and when they look out the window feeling a jab of lust for something there’s no lingering on the inner voice that says, in chinese, what’s the deal, dude? is that all there is? i have nothing to say and i need to say it.

:::::

 what can i say now all grown up when others are doctors or people who seem normal in the head who have pockets where they keep their bus pass and get meal tickets and they go home every evening to eat dinner with their families and when they look out the window feeling a jab of lust for something there’s no lingering on the inner voice that says, in chinese, what’s the deal, dude? is that all there is? i have nothing to say and i need to say it. :::::