“For a moment the two of them looked at each other, wordless, as if they were asleep and their dreams had converged on common ground, a place where sound was alien.” RB

the washing mashing is tumbling on these old floors and vibrations spread all throughout the house, the tulips i bought for k. are shaking as if they were cold, it makes them caricature-humane. are these good vibrations? – my tired brain set on ‘safe mode’ is thinking in an attempt to jest, anyway, the room is flooded, i remove my fingers from the keyboard and i look.

i have spent quite some time in the land of catatonia, baffled by this feeling from interlocking eyes, interchanging glances, i don’t know what it was, and that’s why i was in that land of speechless halt every time i thought of that moment. you were leaving, big black jacket on, big black scarf covering most of your face, your eyes suddenly saying 200 words per second in a language i do not know. i was walking towards you from the bathroom, wearing my ridiculous bra that i’d never thought id expose in a public dance hall (yes, i just called a techno party that) and i think i was going to say goodbye be well swell party what a treat get home safe things like that. but instead of just walking i was walking on this thread of the gaze between us, i felt outside of it somehow, i felt like there was something i was part of without any chance of understanding through normal processes of relating experiences, i could only feel it and so my thoughts were on the outside, the outsider of this event, and as i got closer and closer walking on this thin but strong line of unknown never experienced to this intensity ocular communication then you said i am one of the best people you know or something extraordinary like that and i felt it all too much and right back at you and i was a little more back on track in the hermeneutics of me so i could say this makes me cry and i did cry a bit and it was so much not the crying but the feeling and i still couldn’t place this whole thing in any previous experience and i was just existing in this emotional fluid novelty.

i think i know what’s happening but i won’t say it for dead. no i won’t. not even silently inside my head. why would i? but mostly i dont even want to i want to keep it like this, intact, no interpretation, no analyses, i could say, being very much a simple peon of my subjective memory, that it was one of the best moments of my life that i might forget at some point but mostly that’s really unlikely. it might fade away but i’ll have the words, kind of like an ekphraxis, and kind of like what bl says in that story, “And isn’t it really true of all ekphrastic literature, fiction and poetry, that even when it claims to be describing or praising a work of visual art it is in fact asserting its own superiority?”, the words will enhance it, will contour it with uneraseable marker, like a moustache in sharpie feels like.

and then i dont know what happened, did we hug it out, maybe, i just dont remember, maybe we bickered right before this whole thing, because the garderobe guy asked if we were married, i think i laughed and i both despised and kind of liked that thought, which made me feel uncomfortable and happy at the same time, i said no, of course not, he said he could marry us right then and there if we wanted to, i laughed cause there was only joking to it, and i looked at you, you hadn’t heard him. if i’d ever get married it would be by a garderobe man from a senegalese tribe at 6 in the morning of an electronic party, what a way to say i never will. then this girl i didn’t know came out of the bathroom in the midst of all this and walked to me and said she only wanted to tell me i was beautiful, and for the first time in my life i just took it, i didn’t make it about me and how i felt about it but just loved her back so much for her approachal, not approach, but approachal, and i said some things i cannot remember, but mostly i laughed and loved. i almost ruined it when i thought she was pitying me, but i snapped out of it because i was in this real realness of embracing everything, me, the bra, this stranger, and all that my eyes touched.

and i think i told her i loved her and i looked forward to seeing her which i meant down to the last vibration that came out of my mouth and hit her eardrum.

and all the while you were saying yes, yes, yes, with or without fill words.

and all the while i was wearing this black cowboy hat i found on the bathroom floor that felt like some kind of protection mask, but one that was exposing instead of hiding me. you left and we went down and this tall boy was there and he was serious about taking me home, in spite of the very adamant message that he may not come to my place, and i think he kissed me again, i kissed him back too but i really didnt, and i really didn’t in spite of how enjoyable it was to some of my senses. after a while e. and i looked at each other and we agreed to go, we were going in the same direction, this boy was ready and serious about giving me a lift, so we all left.

and you were still up there, i thought about that afterwards, why were you still there, leaving?, and we all left together, my hat came with, we said goodbye and then this tall boy took me on his bike and dropped me off at the corner of my street and i asked him his name and he told it to me with some sadness that i will forget it anyway and i didn’t think so but i also really didn’t care, not in a mean way, i was just not there, i never really met him, should i have told him that?

and as i started walking towards my door he came back and said he forgot to give me a goodbye kiss and this whole thing was so sweet that in another life i would have fainted just like that time when m. and i first kissed and i simply fell down and he got scared but i didn’t, i just kissed him back, it was a touch of lips that was just that, i had nothing on me, all intensity was still lingering in that gaze that i still can’t say more about than those few mangy lines.

as i stood on my doorstep and smoked a cigarette, with my big hat on, i saw this look flash before my eyes again, that sort of staring-glaring from those accidental dark blues and it instantly made me cry and made my stomach churn or dwibble in the strangest way, i took a picture of this face with those streams of tears coming down, i felt beautiful, not in an aesthetical sense but in a sensing sense, i felt so much and that was beautiful.